Why do I spend time and effort on this place?
When I first decided that I needed an outlet for my thoughts, I immediately decided on a website. I knew how to make them, and I loved text as a medium of communication. My very first post to this iteration of the project (the first non-anonymous version) discusses my feelings when I first created this place. I've had numerous anonymous versions, but I ended up frequently redesigning them, deleting content, or deleting the website entirely. It always felt like something was missing... That made me decide on trying out a blog attached to my name, to see if the lack of identity was why the previous projects did not work out. I expected this project to go down the drain like the rest, but it surprisingly stuck. While I don't update it regularly, I am aware of its existence, and I use it at a platform to say things when I really need to say them.
That's not to say it didn't have its rough times. This website has already gone under multiple redesigns, cause apparently I suck at making up my mind. I've gone from prepackaged versions to overengineering full block REST + SPA architectures. The design of this website is an expression of who I am, and who I am changes with time. As a result, here's the latest iteration, maybe the last redesign in a while? I definitely won't have time to redesign it every semester like I did in the past.
I recently became a graduate student, so it's useful to have a website to display my work to colleagues and researchers. I knew I was going to have to make a public landing page on my website to "promo" my work, but this blog seemed like an ill fit. Is it a good idea to have my inner thoughts and moments of vulnerability out for the world to see?
Maybe not, but I've decided that the spirit of this blog was more important than the professional problems it might cause. I created this blog for a purpose. To express myself and to show moments of vulnerability or frustration as they come. I have opinions and thoughts. It's nice to put them out there, even if I know that nobody will read them. I have flaws and feelings. Everyone does. But not many display them. Be it societal standards or personal discomfort, modern society is designed to reward people who present themselves as perfect. I refuse to succumb to this sometimes powerful social force. Many of the posts in this blog are an attempt at that.
This blog just used to be a personal one when I was a student who didn't know what he was doing. But now that I've redesigned this website to act as a CV and a hub for my graduate work as well, there's an argument to be made that this blog would only reduce the opportunities I can get. After all, graduate school is an environment that rewards perfectionism in completed products, while my thoughts about things constantly evolve over time. If the presence of this blog is seen as a "warning" sign by some folks, so be it. I don't have a personal "brand" I'm trying to cultivate. I'm not perfect. I'm just human. I'm just going to be myself.
I know that almost every post of mine contains typos (I don't proofread or edit!). I know that certain things I say might sound naive or overly idealistic. I know that I might sound silly. I know that I might sound dramatic. That's okay. That's me.